I OWE MYSELF… AN APOLOGY

Three years ago, I had an idea. This idea had the ability to open up a world that I thought only existed in my dreams. In this world, I was strong and fearless. I was a woman that walked with a type of empowerment that others could only dream of. I went after what I wanted, I made it through each day without second-guessing myself, and I was a confident sexual being that defined her own boundaries and limits.

Today I woke up fearful of my own ambitions. In this world, also known as reality, I am a coward. My sense of self is shaken daily due to a personal inability to trust my instincts and follow my heart. So many of us stand on a soapbox telling everyone how we think they should feel and what they should be doing. If we are being completely honest with ourselves and everyone else, the truth is we are just as complicated and confused as everyone else. There is no secret manual on how to concur life, understand people, and make all of your wildest dreams come true. There is Disney and Judy Bloom, great storylines but shitty strategies for life.

Why must we fit our lives inside of a box structured by the ideals of someone else that we do not even know? For years I have blindly and unabashedly followed what I think the rules are, but you know what; there are no rules. Every moment, every second of every day is an unwritten script. We all have a pen to create our own story. So today, I apologize to myself for every moment that I have wasted trying to fit into a mold not created for me. Trying to please everyone but myself and passing up the opportunity to take on this world for all that it is worth. It ends today, here in my living room where my own confessional began.